Metal Detectors are AWESOME

I've been off for about a week now and have seen a commercial for metal detectors over and over again. I'm not quite sure who it's trying to market towards. It seems to be tailored to grandpas and soccer moms (or hockey moms like Sara Palin I'm sure). I'm going camping in a week and I caught myself thinking, "hey Bob you could use one of those, maybe you could find a bullet casing from the original settlers of the Oregon Trail or maybe pirate gold."

Of course, I don't really want one, butt my interest was peaked, so I decided to do a little research. I want to know what a metal detector really is and who wants one. First, like any good investigator I went straight to wikipidia the home of the democratization of knowledge and truth. Wiki states, "metal detectors are pick elephants" or " Metal detectors use electromagnetic induction to detect metal. Uses include de-mining (the detection of land mines), the detection of weapons such as knives and guns, especially at airports, geophysical prospecting, archaeology and treasure hunting." It's great that wiki is so in love freedom that it misspelled archeology in its description.

That knowledge there, beyond the pink elephant part really wasn't too helpful. I mean, duh, of course they can be used for getting rid of mines, but I want to get to the treasure hunting. Therefore, I went to the home of all investigation GOOGLE! and typed in and without even ordering a metal detector or getting a free catalog I stumbled on a treasure trove of knowledge: Gometaldetecting.com .

Here, they are so confident that metal detecting is going to yield the greatest of all pirate treasures that they even have a section on measuring your gold. Apparently one should use a scale. This surprised me, because usually I throw things into the air and time how long it takes them to come to the Earth, then using the force with which they were thrown (usually massive) and the gravity constant 9.8m/s^2 to determine the mass. I've been doing that for years. It's especially a pain while cooking and all I had to do was measure it on a scale. Oh boy,gold, but what if I want something more magical. The site also offers confident stories of "relic hunters" who find swords in stones with their metal detectors. I thought Excalibur was just a comic with Captain Britain and a terrible movie where Uther Pendragon gets it on in full body armor, but now, some dude in Germany found it. Here's his description straight from Gometaldetecting.com :

Armed with the gas burner and a couple of spare cartridges we returned to the find spot it was completely undisturbed and within minutes Chris had reduced the root to charcoal. A slight tug on the sword tang and the blade slid easily from the crack revealed in its full glory. Incredibly the blade was still very flexible, although heavily surface rusted it was complete and over three and half feet in length. It was a typical sixth century pagan longsword without a crossguard. Swords from this period very often only had a wood or bone and leather hilt which doesnt survive. The condition was outstanding, I`d only ever seen examples of this kind of sword that had been excavated as grave goods in museums and these examples had been virtually destroyed through burial decay.

If you find Excalibur, here's the life you can expect:



The next step is to find one and buy it. Since I hate shopping, I decided I'd go to the internet's metal detector superstore! There I found exactly what I need for camping next week so that I can learn that King Arthur actually came back after his death to America and welcomed Lewis and Clark to the Pacific Ocean. The Whites Limited Edition Metal Detector with one goal GO DEEP! I get emails all the time telling me I can learn to go deeper, but never have I seen something so official looking. According to the unbiased review: HERE'S the MAGIC: Ingeniously designed inside and out, it's surprisingly light and perfectly balanced. Hunted out? Not a chance! Go back over those previously hunted spots with a DFX or MXT 300 and get another 1" + in depth!"

I couldn't wait till it came in the mail until I realized that I had to pay now. They wouldn't let me pay them later in all the pirate gold and relics I found while camping, so I guess metal detecting will have to wait. Maybe I'll just spend my time on the beach while camping, reading, drinking, making out, and talking to good friends instead of finding my fortune buried conveniently in the completely undisturbed sand of the Oregon coastline. While I smoke a cigar and sit back with a glass of wine under the sunset, I'll bemoan what could have been: This guys with his rocking soundtrack and all!



or this guy and his little bit of saliva and obvious excitement over finding a nickel. Also, who is ok with him digging up a football field. THERE'S NOT PIRATE TREASURE THERE, you'll never be able to pay off the detector with nickels!



Peace,

Bob Fantastic

Super Smash Brothers and My Abhorance to Online Video Gaming

Today has been an eye opening day. I was originally going to finish and post an essay here about how sliding scale economics need to be brought back to the medical field, but that will have to wait to another day because I have much more important things to discuss here. Earth shattering things. Things that may make you laugh, may make you cry and may make you wonder when you look at the person sitting next to you on the bus.

I have never made it a secret that I am not a fan of online gaming. Meaning massively life sucking role playing games or running around and shooting eachother in "accurate" World War II simulators. This came mostly from a roommate of mine who never left the dorm room due to his addiction to Ultima Online.

I've been told that these games aren't necessarily that bad. People can play them recreationally, but I have yet to see it. There are support groups out there. If you were looking for your next fix of creating a female elf character online go find some real porn and then go listen to a record and play Nintendo with someone sitting next to you, read a book, or maybe even go to the mall and buy some soap.

Until today I hadn't played games online much. I had done a three day tour of duty on Warcraft until I realized that it was four in the morning and I had just spent the last 3 hours trying to find 12 red bandannas and 14 fish scales for Edna's farm. Today however, I played the XBox for the first time and engaged in Soul Caliber IV online. I was a douche. I played as Yoda over and over again and ended up winning some online matches against some people that had 40 hours of play under their belt.

No one had heckled me and I could quit whenever. I left feeling quite good about my time playing Soul Caliber online. My friend had almost convinced me that playing a game against an invisible fifteen year old playing as only girls in bikinis was ok, it was all in good fun.

I decided I'd go home and try one or two of my own online games out. I plugged in Super Smash Brothers and got online and started playing matches online. I was wiggling my Wii Remote and having a blast until I started playing with two people whom I will call P2 and P3. Note that one the Wii online play is anonomous and you can't pick who you play with although you can keep playing with the same people fight after fight if you want to.

P2 played only as Link and P3 played only as Zelda and mid fight they would find a corner and make their characters pretend to fuck by having them crouch alternately (one down one up) over and over again. If you tryed to interupt, the couple would team up can kick your ass.

IT'S A DAMN KIDS GAME. What the hell? It's going to take a lot to coax me to ever play an online game again, or some beer, or a really hot pixalated character. I guess the point of this is to say get a life, write a book, write a poem and then go back and play video games but pretending to fuck with Nintendo characters does not count as social or as a sex life.

Hariet and Hillary...

Wow, I posted 20 minutes ago and I'm back again. I wanted to post a quick response to Hillary Clinton's speech at the Democratic Convention. It was excellent and unifying I guess for any jackass saying that they'll never vote for Obama because they liked Hillary. (I understand preferring Hilary over Obama, but there is no rational reason to not vote or vote McCain over Obama) If you are in that camp and were not swayed tonight, you are indeed a jackass. I wonder if those speeches really make a difference. Hillary quoted Harriet Tubman. Wasn't there someone more modern she could quote? The she ended by wishing everyone Godspeed. Apparently we all need to go somewhere really fast. She didn't say where and I can't necessarily go rush out and vote for Obama at 8:15 on August 26th.

Good speech though and hopefully a few idiots were swayed by their cult leader's words. Hillary is great, but she isn't the most amazing woman in an office. She was a first lady and then a 2 term senator. There are a lot of other women out there that have overcome much greater odds than being married to a popular president and becoming a senator in a liberal state.

I want Hillary involved. Give her a position in the cabinet and help her get universal health care passed, but Barrack Obama should and hopefully will be president. Harriet Tubman said so...

So did Helen Keller.

Yay for cheep jokes,

Peace,
Bob Fantastic

Quick Post,

The zine symposium turned out alright. I learned a lot, which was the goal. Next time I'm going to have a lot more time to make it look prettier. I had to rush the formatting an awful lot because of classes and having zero time, and what I finished did not look anywhere near as good as it did on original or in my head. Of course, compared to other people's art there, mine sucks, but I've always wanted to be more of writer than an artist.

Onward and upward I say...I found a post online saying my art was painful and design bad and I can't argue, but I'm learning and I think people will still enjoy it. Much love and respect, peace, I'm going to get to googling myself.

Day 2 Zine Symposium

It's 7am, I'm doing chemistry because life mihgt immitate art, but it also doesn't stop, and I have to learn chemistry. Day 2 is today. I'm actually going to bring the camera that I said I would bring today and maybe even walk around and try to be more social. I as dumbfounded yesterday by the sheer amount of people with completely rad things there. Today, I won't be shocked at all and should be in a much better place to have fun. My table will have a newly purchased High School Musical Balloon.

Peace, Love, and Rock and Roll


Bob

Zine Symposium today, and a slight introduction to music

I'm hoping a few people make their way to this site today after visiting the zine symposium at Portland State. Here goes nothing. My cookies are in the over, so that I have something at the table other than an old Optimus Prime toy, my zine, and my chemistry book (the book has become something of a comfort blanket: think Linus from Peanuts + studying.) So I hope you took a cookie and acquired a zine for what I'm thinking will be about a dollar, and left happy. I'm going to put up an absorbadent, probably meaning two, pictures on here after the symposium, if Morgan is willing to help me. Again, I'm terribly sorry about the shitty website, but I don't know how to do much more, but am going to learn. But anyway (Blues Traveler said that), I think it's time to tell a silly story...

So my first cd was Boyz II Men. I was having a conversation about this the other day, specifically focused on how the hell that was my first cd. My 5th grade self was not deeply into R&B or harmony for that matter. I think the only music I knew at that point was Queen's Greatest Hits volume 2, fading memories of New Kids songs, Disney, and a whole ton of Neil Young songs.



That year I had bought a huge boombox at circuit city. It was fabulous and off brand (Sanjo I believe) and lasted a good 12 years, may it rest in peace. However, I didn't know what music to buy. I didn't have that many friends and no older siblings to guide my music listening.

On Christmas day, I excitedly ran downstairs, ecstatic to see what was under the tree. I found a package that would over the years be felt many many too many times: a cd case. I ripped into the wrapping paper and then into the then mysterious plastic shrink wrap to find out what was indeed inside. I ran upstairs and stuck it in my boom box, which I carried down on my shoulder like I'd seen people doing on TV. This was going to be awesome. I was ready to hear a guitar, but what to my wondering ears do I hear: smooth harmonies and some fabulous Philadelphia R&B meets boy band.

I can't lie, I liked it, I listened to it over and over again, until I got a Green Day cd, and even then it took a while for that first album to work its way out of rotation. The question that stuck in my brain was how did that cd become my first album. My dad doesn't listen to R&B and neither does my mother. They most certainly didn't listen to modern pop radio or watch VH1. My dad claims I asked for the cd, which isn't true because I had never heard of Boyz II Men, so I called my mother, who claims that a friend of the family who was living with us at the time, told my parents that Boyz II Men was what all the cool kids were listening to. Not Nirvana, not Soundgarden, or anything else with guitars and rock: Boyz II Men.

So this post is in honor of that cd and the fact that my first slow dance ever at a rec center on the Isle of Palms in South Carolina with a girls who's name I never learned to forget, and who I ran away from the rest of the night after my friend decided to walk up behind us and start yelling "Go Bobby, it's your birthday" was to the sounds of "I'll Make Love to You" (except not performed in Korea) by none other than Boyz II Men.



It must have effected my music taste somehow, but that's a subject for another time, I mean they did give me a great appreciation for the Beatles. The cookies are done and I need to attend to my hygiene before I leave for the symposium. Hope I meet you there and don't come off as some overweight jerk who spent his morning eating cookie dough and thinking about 5th grade.

Almost time for the symposium

So it's almost time for the zine symposium. I'm hoping to put a little more up on this site between now and then but that is certainly a questionable task. I finished the zine today. Citric Acid Skin Irritation is completed. There's a small sick twisted part of me that's going to try and finish Cold Russian Steal by Saturday, but I don't know if that will happen. Either way I'm pretty psyched. I'm actually putting something into the world that wasn't there before, even if only some 12 people ever read it.

So if you somehow end up here by accident cool, there's nothing really to look at yet, but in the near future stuff will be here. Much love and rock and roll!

Here's a piece of fabulous Stanley Mathews work:

Shit, Shit, Shit,

It's hot and I don't own air,
how can you sell air
AC AC AC
You can't get to DC
without AC,
I will not be shook all night long,
without AC,
107 degrees inside,
my ass is sweaty.
Sweaty Anus...