BIOGRAPHY-CORE
(by Stanley Mathews)
I’m going to start a band,
And we are
going to rock fucking hard.
Like Andrew WK on stilts, in a top hat, at a Green Day
Concert with 5th grade me in 1994.
But we’re not just any band.
Nope. Theme band.
No one has just a party anymore, so I’m not just starting a band.
We play keyboard-led-hardcore-punk-classic-rock BIOGRAPHY
CORE and you can only see us if you have a Costco card.
WE GIVE OUT FREE SAMPLES OF ROCK over near the book
department, behind the mom jeans.
You can literally dine on our jams and you don’t have to
risk scorching your mouth
With a microwaved hotpocket available on aisle nine in
apocalypse family packs of 7300 in assorted flavors. Enough for a family of four to each have one
a day for five years….
But I digress,
This is my
band’s fucking press release.
And we are on a mission to rescue the art of the
biography.
TRACK
ONE: Key of SCREAM
YOU DON’T WANT THE LIFE OF KIM KARDASIAN
YOU DON’T WANT THE LIFE OF SARA PALIN
YOU DON’T WANT YOUR DISCOUNT HARDCOVERS TO MAKE THE WORLD
DUMBER.
BUY THIS BIOGRAPHY OF JOE STRUMMER.
THERE’S A THREE PAGE BOOK ABOUT ONE DIRECTION,
BUT UPON FURTHER INSPECTION…
IT SUCKS!
And that’s just a fucking taste. We are public servants,
taxpayer funded like the Police (not sting) or the Navy (like the Village
People)
Holiday season? Why
buy the biography of Will Ferrell when there’s an 826 page tome dedicated to
John Adams? Maybe a new book on Rosa
Parks? Mark Twain? We are here to warn
you to slowly walk away from the illustrated life of Pat Robertson.
TRACK
TWO: Key of GANG VOCALS
EVERYBODY LIKE’S HOLLYWOOD,
BUT BETTER BOOKS COME FROM BOLLYWOOD.
ORDER ONLINE BOLLYWOOD BIOGRAPHIES!
CULTERAL DIVERSITY
CULTERAL DIVERSITY
IN YOUR BIONGRAPHY
IS BETTER THAN WHITE PAGES
ABOUT GILBERT GODFREY
(spoke quietly) even though I would read that one.
So come to COSTCO, we are there open to close all week. IF you throw some money,
Or a 48 pack of Swiffer Dusters at us we may just play a
request…about GIANT BOXES OF CHIPS (that I eat while I’m reading a biography of
Queen Elizabeth)
BUT I’m not giving that one away here. Fuck No.
Get down here now,
TO HAVE YOUR READING GLASSES ROCKED ON!
And stuff a stocking with the life and times of Bruce, Neil
Young, Leonard Cohen, Tom Waits, Miles Davis, and FUCKING LINCOLN.
Step away from ASHTON KUTCHER’s Story…
TRACK
3: In the key of BARROOM BRAWL
EVERYTHING I LEARNED, I LEARNED FROM LINCOLN
EVERYTHING I KNOW, I KNOW FROM ABE,
SO HAVE A GLASS OF YELLOW TAIL,
AND TURN THE PAGE.
SPOILER: HE GOES TO
SEE A PLAY.
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