The home of If I Could Sing This Would Be A Record Label Publishing.
Usually unedited thoughts and ramblings. Often fancy, often deep, perhaps occasionally inspirational.
I wish I'd done some drugs, cause I'm too old to start, I wish I'd had more sex, and had partied in high school, I wish I'd had more crazy night and more stories to tell, I wish I could relate to my favorite rock and roll songs, I wish I'd caused more trouble and raised a bigger ruckus, I wish I'd broke some windows and gotten in a fight. and now I'm pushing thirty and my tales are all exaggerations, I wish I'd gone camping more often and knew how to light a fire, I wish I'd smoked a few cigarettes to I wouldn't look so boring, I wish I'd been more impulsive, reacting without thought, I wish I'd failed a class and even had detention. Instead I was just a goody goody and I still don't have a job, so what was it all good for, when to I get my reward? I don't believe in heaven and no ones keeping score. I can't believe I'm sitting here in my underwear with regrets, when the suns out outside with a sinking feeling in my chest. I've better get moving and start to rock this out, I may never have wild sex or do drugs but that's not what my best stories are about.
(I wrote it in the bath tub)
Maybe a kid's story later. Going to go drink tea and finish it and my genetics homework.
So I think before finishing the Cable Knit Commute full zine. I am going to compile a lot of Haikus that I've written into a really tiny booklet. I think they're fun and simple. Anyone can do it, it's a great controlled therapy session. I got the idea a while ago from this book: http://www.haikuyear.com/.
Here's a poem I just wrote while sitting here listening to Neko Case with a touch of a red wine headache. Just before this I ate a cheese steak. Is that necessary knowledge, no, do I like it, yes.
Life is Like Making a Rope
Life is learning how to make a rope, I learned that in Houston Texas, at the Rodeo, in the Astro-Hall where livestock, fattening foods, and crafts were for sale. The actual show was in the dome with Bill Cosby as a special guest. A man in full cowboy get up was selling handmade ropes, and you even got to help. What second grader could resist? I held one end and the man braided the strands into a patriotic red white and blue Rope that was around 6 feet long and surprisingly non-flexible. I’m sure my parents handed the man a twenty and shook their heads at the poor quality of their purchase as I immediately began pretending I was lassoing a wild bull and pulling it down to the dirt ground. I wasn’t allowed to have toy guns so I just used my fingers to stop the bandits from robbing my He-Man fanny pack. I’ve lost the rope since then, but I’m convinced it’s A perfect metaphor for life.
Dec 30, 2009
After Stanley's rant I decided I needed to post something a little less crazy and I thought it might as well be another year-end list but this time focused on some local flair because Portland is awesome.
Here's a picture of why...this is from Obama's trip here in 2008...
It's also one of the first images that comes up on a web search for Portland.
So here, in no particular order are some awesome Portland bands I've started to listen to in the last year or so (or more)...
First, I have to mention two Portland bands that I listened to before moving to Portland, the Decemberists and the Thermals. Both release great new albums last year and look to become even bigger nationally in 2010. Their back catalogues are amazing as well. Here's some footage of the Thermals singing a Green Day song:
and here of the Decemberists playing REM:
Beyond those two most of these bands are pretty small, so do yourself a favor and check out:
Broadway Calls (Excellent pop-punk with great hooks)
Explode into Colors (the Willamette Weekly's best new band in Portland) do dancy weird shit and should be releasing their first full length soon.
The Taxpayers are folk punk that's available through Quoteunquoterecords.com
Others deserving note are Jared Meese and Horse Feathers. I'm sure I forgot a bunch and this is only a quick post as I rearrange my bookshelf...
My good friend Stanley Mathews is updating for the first time in a while. (Go back to the beginning of the blog to learn some more. He's my punk as fuck counterpart, and today he came out of his room bucknaked, waving a bottle of red wine screaming. So I stepped away from my keyboard here and said, go ahead good sir, go ahead.
Sorry about the crass language, I couldn't stop him. Here's what set him off...
WHAT THE FUCK! THE TERRORISTS WIN THE TERRORISTS WIN UNDERWEAR BOMBERS AFTER SHOE BOMBERS, BAD JAY LENO JOKES COME TRUE. NO UNDERWEAR ON THE PLAIN, ONLY TIGHTS SO THEY CAN SEE IF YOU'RE PACKING A CHEMISTRY SET YOU ORDERED OFF OF JIHADISTRUS.GOV/UK. WERE THEY BOXERS, OR BRIEFS, OR BOXER BRIEFS. TIGHTY WHITIES WITH SECRET COMPARTMENTS.
IS THAT A BOMB IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME.
MAYBE THIS IS WHAT AMERICA NEEDS! TO SHAKE IT OUT OF ITS ANTT-NUDITY ANTI-SEX BODY NEGATIVE VIEW OF THE WORLD. MAKE US ALL SHED OUR UNDERWEAR IN PUBLIC AT THE AIRPORT. YOU HAVE TO BRING YOUR UNDERWEAR IN CLEAR PLASTIC BAGS, AND LET DOGS SNIFF YOUR DICK ANYWAY. I CAN'T WAIT TO FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES AND WATCH PEOPLE RUB THEIR NEWLY FREED PARTS ON THE AIRLINE SEATS SECURE THAT THERE'S NO SHOE BOMBER, NO UNDERWEAR BOMBER, MICHAEL JORDAN LOST HIS HANES SPONSORSHIP AND I AM FREEBALLING TOWARDS HOMELAND SECURITY.
So I'm going to make some best of lists here. I'm not going to totally order everything because I think music works for you when you're in different moods. A ska album gets played at a different time than say a pretty folk album or hardcore. I could have also forgotten awesome stuff.
So here you go, my favorite albums and tracks of the year. At the end I will crown a best song and album just because it's fun. Sorry there's no pics. I'm lazy.
Best Albums of 2009
Bomb the Music Industry-Scrambles
Scrambles is not as immediately catchy and awesome as Goodbye Cool World or Ger Warmer. It seems like Jeff Rosenstock decided to air out a lot of frustrations in the chaotic punk/ska style he does best. The album was release donation based at www.quoteunquoterecords.com and is amazing after a few listens. The best thing about his albums is that they all have at least one song that fits you perfectly and you feel was written for you. His last album had 2007's best song: Unlimited Soup, Salad and Breadstick Days... DO yourself a favor look it up and rock out, it's free. If you don't like or at least rock out a bit, you have no soul, and if you can't find something you like at quoteunquoterecords, you flat out suck.
Future of the Left-Travels with Myself and Others
I just discovered this album about a week ago and I don't know how to really describe it. It's paint pealing rock that's bass heavy, scream and shouty, smart, and blistering. If you need to wake up, this one's for you. If David Bowie fronted a band, liked to scream, and got Les Claypool to play bass, and an occasional marching band involved it may be similar. That's a terrible description, but I'm ok with it.
St. Vincent - Actor
St. Vincent is what I imagine everything awesome in the 1920s to be.
Thao Nguyen and the Get Down Stay Down- Know Better Learn Faster
I have a huge crush on Thao. Her songs and band are amazing and even better live. They're at the same time bouncing and relaxing, bluesy, folky, and Poppy. She tells you on this album, "Sad people can dance too."
NOFX - Coaster
It's NOFX being funny again, as opposed to their last album that was so angry and political that they forgot that sometimes it's enough to write a song about getting hammered. In this case: twelve songs about getting hammered. If you like punk and or NOFX you'll like it. If you don't well, sucks to be you and you'll hate this album. It's nothing good but it's really good.
Cheap Girls - My Roaring 20s
On my Roaring 20s, the Cheap Girls continue to reinvigorate 90s powerpop/alternative with an edge and I'm glad they do. When I listen to this on my bike it just makes me feel good. It's catchy and sincere rock and roll.
Kepi Ghoulie- life Sentence
Kepi's two albums released last year were awesome and he continues the trend with Life Sentence this year. He sings in a voice that is unique and awkward, seemingly telling you, hey man, come sit down, let's make up some funny stories and laugh at inside jokes.
Big D and the Kids Table- Fluent in Stroll
It's not really ska, it's not really punk, it's got some dub, and sounds like an album the B-52s could release. I think the best statement about this one I can make is that my wife listens to it and likes it!
Chase Long Beach - Gravity is what you Make It
Best ska album of the year by far although there weren't many. Think Save Ferris and Tragic Kingdom No Doubt and you won't be disappointed.
The Pains of Being Pure At Heart This movie could be the soundtrack to every John Hughes movie ever made. It just feels happy and drips cheese. It's perfectly titled and perfect.
Ben Lee - The Rebirth of Venus
His last album, Ripe, was boring and sucked. This album is a come back with quirky Ben Folds like pop songs and choral background singers. It's not for the gloomy with its pop, pep, and cheese but screw you I like it.
Cage the Elephant- Cage the Elephant
Angry sing-a-long garage band music at its best.
MC Lars: This Gigantic Robot Kills
Nerd Core rap at it's arguable best. It feature Weird Al, Frontalot, and the Aquabats and has the best ska song of the year. Best observation of the album is,"just because you play guitar hero doesn't mean you play guitar."
Best tracks:
Ben Lee: I Love Pop Music
This song is awesome. It's about how politics suck, the world sucks, but you can always find some solace in a great song. I think this is meant as a political statement in and of itself.
The Pains of Being Pure At Heart: The Love is Fucking Right
It sounds like every John Hughes Movie ever. The teen movie is dead, long live the teen movie.
Bouncing Souls: Badass!
The song reminds me why I fell in love with Souls to begin with! (not to ruin the surprise, but there's a clip at the end of the post.)
MC Lars: This Gigantic Robot Kills
Ska is indeed not dead.
Cage the Elephant: No Rest for the Wicked
It's awesome and used in the video game of the year, Borderlands. NOFX: First Call
"I'm going to be the first one at First Call!" Shut up and have a beer
Kepi Ghoulie: Spell Caster
He's singing about being careful when you use magic. How can that be bad? Go to his website.
The Hard Girls: Beach Party
This is a short catchy song about going to a beach party and making sure you bring a coat to put around the girl you like, and remembering to wear a sweater so you aren't too cold to enjoy it. www.quoteunquoterecords.com
Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic North: Home
Think Jackson sung by Johnny and June Carter Cash.
Big D and the Kids Table: I'm not Fucking Around
Catchy song that represents monogamy at its best. Also, the hypothetical situation game is fun.
O, Pioneers!! - Stressing the Fuck Out
A large burly bearded man giving you a pep talk and a shot of whiskey. www.quoteunquoterecords.com
Beyonce- Put a ring on it.
If you don't like it screw you. This song is a perfect Pop Song. Great EPs
Kudrow- Lando
Jeff Rosenstock's take on the 90s. Download at www.quoteunquoterecords.com
John K Samson - City Route 85
Introspective story telling folk from the Weakerthans front man.
Paint it Black - Amnesia and Surrender
Old school face shredding hardcore
Pains of being pure at heart- Higher than the Stars
More awesome. The Higher than the Stars remixes are awesome as well.
NOFX - Cokie the Clown
Leaving Massachusetts is awesome and really sweet about moving as a kid.
Franz Nicolay- St. Sebastion of the Short Stage
The man may be the next great punk rock one man band. Maybe the next Tom Waits in a few years. He covers New England with the Dresdon Dolls
A Wilhelm Scream- A Wilhelm Scream
Blistering punk rock, that makes you angry.
Worst albums:
The most disappointing album of the year had to be Green Day's newest album, 21st Century Breakdown. It was absolute crap. It sounded like they decided that instead of an excellent pop-punk band able to bridge punk and mega-success they wanted to become a shitty U2 and Queen cover band. I never thought I would actively dislike a Green Day album but the new one is just flat out not good music...
Also slightly disappointing was the Bouncing Souls singles series. They're one of my favorite bands of all time and instead of releasing an album they did a track a month. Sadly all but a few were easily forgotten. On the bright side, they did release the year's possible most fun track: Badass! Find it, it rocks.
The Eel's Hombre Lobo is also terrible. It's a concept album gone terribly wrong. I turned it off during a root canal it's so bad.
What I learned this year:
I really do hate techno. This was proved when I tried to listen to the new Fuck Buttons album that has been listed as an album of the year on many year end lists. I don't get it. It sounded like a bunch of repetitive random beats with no lyrics or purpose. It was terrible. If anyone loves that shit, please explain the appeal. I like songs, not computer generated background music one could wave a glow stick to.
So here we go.
the number one album of the year:
The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart
It's the most listened to and hands down the best of the year. It works at night, while studying, in the car or even on a bike ride!
Track of the Year:
Badass by the Bouncing Souls
I have listened to it well over a hundred times.
MR. T BADASS!!!
Next year should rock with new Bomb the music Industry, Gaslight Anthem, Bad Religion, Wilhelm Scream, Weakerthans, Beastie Boys, and a million new things everyone should like cause I said so.
Sorry this is long and full of bad grammar.
Love and respect...
Bob Fantastic
"There's no need to argue, Parents just don't understand" Big Will
So I'm working on my second zine. It's going to be a lot more artistic than the last one and dedicated mostly to poetry. I may include a few stream of consciousness rants. I only promise that it will include lot's of references to red wine, coffee, my wife, and my cats. Also, it will be self depreciating and only 12 people will read it.
It will be called
If I Could Sing This Would Be A Record Label Publishing Presents #2:
The Cable Knit Commute
Here's a possible inclusion that has yet to be proofread. It was written in one sitting thinking back on middle school...
I Never Learned to Skateboard
I never learned to skateboard, instead I learned to rollerblade…not roller skate, that would still be cool, I could be in the roller derby crowd. I used to have three street hockey sticks and I lost countless street balls, street pucks, and tennis balls down the gutter. I remember making a middle school assault on my neighborhood tennis courts after they banned us from playing hockey there, but I still never learned to skateboard. I didn’t like the kids in my neighborhood that skateboarded. One time one of them kicked me in the balls after getting off the school bus. I ran away and made it into a stranger’s backyard before I started to cry, told my mom and then pulled on my Rollerblade brand roller blades with custom bearings. I put on my wrist guards and helmet, no knee pads ‘cause only wusses wore knee pads and my knees were scabbed over so much that they were well padded, and pretended to be Megaman. Dr. Wiley was going to pay for the Skateboard Kids kicking my geeky straight-A gifted classes self in balls. I blazed out the driveway. My mother said I skated like a ballerina. It was the only place I had any sort of coordination going for me and did laps of every cul-de-sac in the neighborhood to get rid of my angst at the world. My rollerblades were my punching bag. I even took street hockey classes from the minor league hockey team, the South Carolina Stingrays in an old Wal-Mart warehouse, it’s my favorite childhood picture…Then it happened, I could show up the skateboarders. On a standard brooding skate around the block I passed their ramps and rails all set up in the middle of the road. Normal taunts ensued, insulting my sexuality (nothing yet cause I didn’t kiss anyone till seventeen) and the fact that I thought Hootie and the Blowfish were cool. Something was different though, that day, my chest got a little harrier and my voice got a little deeper. I decided to jump. I raced with the grace of an Olympic Ice Dancer towards their biggest ramp as unsure scrawny skateboarders jumped out of the way. I went up and out, somewhere around twelve to fifteen feet if their sidewalk chalk markings were right on the road. I landed but was going so fast that I slammed face first into the street. I had forgotten my wrist guards and knew I had just broken something in my hand but before the first tears could shed, I jumped to my wheels and kept going, only to stop five minutes later in flood drain off pit the construction crews had made behind the sign introducing our subdivision as the Retreat. Ironic, as it was the one day I didn’t. A few days later, I took a helmet to the forearm in football practice and claimed that was where I got hurt, ‘cause rollerblade injuries weren’t cool and I got a blue cast all the way up my arm, then I moved away, closeting my rollerblades, only occasionally returning to them, now upgrading to the often more convenient mountain bike that didn’t make me any cooler but certainly didn’t add insult to the already clumsy and geeky. It was forest green and awesome, until I broke my seat and balls on it while trying to ride down muddy hills and to jump ditches…all that said, I never learned to ride a skateboard and I don’t even own rollerblades anymore. Screw the skateboard, I need some new blades.
visit http://www.rollerblade.com/site/home.php?site=2&lang=1 and buy a pair. I might soon.
Peace, coming later today will be my top ten albums of 2009. It's going to be an odd list I'm sure.
"It's the troubled kids that write the best poetry."
Beans on Toast
(A british folkish singer like Billy Bragg who's stuff is free online, find it and love it)
Ok, I saw a story that informed me Kirk Cameron of Growing Pains fame (as well as playing cousin Steve on Full House) is leading a group that is handing out modified copies of Origin of Species on college campuses.
The modification comes in the form of notes and essays declaring that evolution is wrong and will lead to the eternal damnation of our souls. Though I doubt the tactic will work, (the group brags about having handed out 170000 books but as a student mentions in the news story, who turns down a free book) their goal is scary.
It scares me because it's so damn stupid. It's an obsession with defending ignorance at all costs. I'm not religious and am far from a creationist, but I understand why people believe a god created living things but denying evolution over millions of years is just flat out ridiculous. Do they deny common sense in other ways too? Do they put their hands in fires and run with scissors? It's just denying knowledge on the basis of faith in a badly translated best selling book.
Even worse are idiots like Tim Tebow and his father who believe that the Earth is around 6000 years old and use their celebrity to expound on this ignorance in publications like Sports Illustrated. God apparently put fossils on this planet to confuse and tempt us into believing science which has led to nothing but evil and sin.
I mean, science doing things like this: http://www.cdc.gov/Features/SmallpoxEradication/ must mean God placed it's here to tempt us. Hell we used it to (gasp with me) commit GENOCIDE on a virus. Prayer healing would have been far more successful. I mean, that and blood letting were successful for years before science had to come in and make people live beyond their God-preordained age of 35.
If you think the Earth is 6000 years old, go outside and run into a wall until you have a concussion, wake up and go to a museum with dinosaur bones. Just for you, I've included a link to some of America's Best! http://www.americasbestonline.com/Dinosaurs.html
or maybe watch Jurassic Park: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Yz40BexXVY
IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!!
I think you can believe in whatever Chesus (a burger patty between two grilled cheese sandwiches) you want to without denying evolution or the age of our planet. However, if you're a person who can't merge their beliefs with scientific fact (or theories because science understands it needs to tweak what it thinks is fact on occasion), remember the number of people the church and religion has hurt due to their loathing of science and the number of discoveries that were stopped because of it. If religion wasn't interceding so often in the prevention of HIV and research of Cancer drug we'd be much closer to solutions.
I'm going to go shower and washusing my Dr. Bronners Magical Soap just to prove religious nuts can do good things, but honestly, spreading young earth ideas and the disbelief in evolution is like spreading a severe learning disability. Stop it asshole.
