Of course, I don't really want one, butt my interest was peaked, so I decided to do a little research. I want to know what a metal detector really is and who wants one. First, like any good investigator I went straight to wikipidia the home of the democratization of knowledge and truth. Wiki states, "metal detectors are pick elephants" or " Metal detectors use electromagnetic induction to detect metal. Uses include de-mining (the detection of land mines), the detection of weapons such as knives and guns, especially at airports, geophysical prospecting, archaeology and treasure hunting." It's great that wiki is so in love freedom that it misspelled archeology in its description.
That knowledge there, beyond the pink elephant part really wasn't too helpful. I mean, duh, of course they can be used for getting rid of mines, but I want to get to the treasure hunting. Therefore, I went to the home of all investigation GOOGLE! and typed in and without even ordering a metal detector or getting a free catalog I stumbled on a treasure trove of knowledge: Gometaldetecting.com .
Here, they are so confident that metal detecting is going to yield the greatest of all pirate treasures that they even have a section on measuring your gold. Apparently one should use a scale. This surprised me, because usually I throw things into the air and time how long it takes them to come to the Earth, then using the force with which they were thrown (usually massive) and the gravity constant 9.8m/s^2 to determine the mass. I've been doing that for years. It's especially a pain while cooking and all I had to do was measure it on a scale. Oh boy,gold, but what if I want something more magical. The site also offers confident stories of "relic hunters" who find swords in stones with their metal detectors. I thought Excalibur was just a comic with Captain Britain and a terrible movie where Uther Pendragon gets it on in full body armor, but now, some dude in Germany found it. Here's his description straight from Gometaldetecting.com :
Armed with the gas burner and a couple of spare cartridges we returned to the find spot it was completely undisturbed and within minutes Chris had reduced the root to charcoal. A slight tug on the sword tang and the blade slid easily from the crack revealed in its full glory. Incredibly the blade was still very flexible, although heavily surface rusted it was complete and over three and half feet in length. It was a typical sixth century pagan longsword without a crossguard. Swords from this period very often only had a wood or bone and leather hilt which doesnt survive. The condition was outstanding, I`d only ever seen examples of this kind of sword that had been excavated as grave goods in museums and these examples had been virtually destroyed through burial decay.
If you find Excalibur, here's the life you can expect:
The next step is to find one and buy it. Since I hate shopping, I decided I'd go to the internet's metal detector superstore! There I found exactly what I need for camping next week so that I can learn that King Arthur actually came back after his death to America and welcomed Lewis and Clark to the Pacific Ocean. The Whites Limited Edition Metal Detector with one goal GO DEEP! I get emails all the time telling me I can learn to go deeper, but never have I seen something so official looking. According to the unbiased review: HERE'S the MAGIC: Ingeniously designed inside and out, it's surprisingly light and perfectly balanced. Hunted out? Not a chance! Go back over those previously hunted spots with a DFX or MXT 300 and get another 1" + in depth!"
I couldn't wait till it came in the mail until I realized that I had to pay now. They wouldn't let me pay them later in all the pirate gold and relics I found while camping, so I guess metal detecting will have to wait. Maybe I'll just spend my time on the beach while camping, reading, drinking, making out, and talking to good friends instead of finding my fortune buried conveniently in the completely undisturbed sand of the Oregon coastline. While I smoke a cigar and sit back with a glass of wine under the sunset, I'll bemoan what could have been: This guys with his rocking soundtrack and all!
or this guy and his little bit of saliva and obvious excitement over finding a nickel. Also, who is ok with him digging up a football field. THERE'S NOT PIRATE TREASURE THERE, you'll never be able to pay off the detector with nickels!
Peace,
Bob Fantastic
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